Oh what a year it has been…

Alright, so where do I began with as far as how this year has gone thus far, I have got a new kick ass job that I actually like and actually look forward to going to work everyday. The people are nice and always willing to help even with receiving nothing in return. The thing is I have actually only been certified to do my job for the past 3 to 4 months so in a sense I am still learning my job and it is still kicking my ass. I hate not knowing things and I have accepted I will feel dumb at this job at a daily or weekly basis until I do some tasks so much I could do them in my sleep.

No you think this one stresser and me being behind on many doctors appointments and not having gotten new glasses when I should have got them last year.  (the refracting stuff is wearing off and am having hard time seeing well during the day, stupid sun) Now I admit it has been part making excuses, stress and being mildly depressed has not helped. I will fully admit I am having a hard time motivating myself to get up early enough and get that s—done.

Now part of this in addition to my professional work like going kick, kick, kick, (have we kicked you enough yet) , my personal life has decided to join in the kicking. It is partially my fault I had the bright idea that I could convince my s.o. to start looking for work, get his permit and license and maybe get one of those adult jobs with benefits and weekends off. Good idea in theory, in application it was a bad bad idea, I have myself wondering what the hell did I get myself into… No usually I don’t mention my s.o. in my blog but as of late he has reached a level of dumbassery and jerkiness that I have to talk about it , and yes I know those are not real words.

Now he does have a full time job the problem with this job is it has crappy hours, and its a time suck, like even when he is not there is trying to solve problems while still stupidly being terrified that he will be fired even though from what I can tell he is this companys walking and talking doormat.

So  while I have been supportive of this job in the past when I was unemployed and broke and never felt like I had any right to say anything about it, and I am now working a full time job that could turn into something.

Now here is the problem I basically gave him the ultimatum to look for work for four hours a week, get his permit, go on interviews, apply for other jobs, etc. and in return he could see me and I thought it would give him some incentive. Yeah, he has spent the past couple weeks , trying to move up in the current company that has caused for me many years of resentment and anger to build up on since it feels like I have been the one bending over backwards for him. Heck if I didn’t know and contact people and keep in touch over the years he would have less friends than he does now.  I am resentful of him, the place he works for etc, and I know I should try to be supportive when it seems like at every opportunity he will try to make feel small because my job is seasonal and that he thinks I should be looking for work, when I don’t even feel adept at my current job.

It is this that caused a three week break that I need to vent get angry, cry, bitch to my friends etc.. and then the s.o. and I had sex and things got complicated. I have since realized he needs to kick his own butt and that he wants a future with me, he needs to show it and all he has been showing me is that he doesn’t want to do anything but working at the same company he has been working at for 3 +  years. I am not saying I want him to quit tomorrow I just want him to make an effort at bettering his life, for me and for us. Every time I have a convo with him it feels like I am stuck in a conversation with a younger version of my dad and I don’t want to marry a man so stuck in his ways.  I just want to know that he is looking for work, I don’t care if he applied for 100 jobs and did not get any calls at least than I know he is trying to change the situation.

So I am know officially stuck in limbo and dragging myself to counseling and then the s.o. and I to couples counseling since we are in desperate need of a mediator to either work things out or break up. At the rate things are going it could be the latter, since from what I could tell he is digging his head in the sand, and is totally oblivious of the fact that his friends, family and hell girlfriend haven’t seen him since he is never around and always working and I have been the only one so far to speak out about it.  Its just he can’t have the crappy job and me, I would like him for once to choose me or us over a job that so won’t be here even I end up ending things with him and he seems in denial about that even being a possibility in the first place. / end rant and any thoughts on how to calmly deal with this situation in fair verbal fighting manner are much appreciated

 

A life in pieces…

Well, I have decided finally to give the hermit lifestyle a temporary break. I asked a friend who I have not seen in months to hang out. The reason it has been hold is because oddly this friend of mine has been depressed. But now the tables have turned and I am in a funk.  Also, I am worried when he asks me how my life is going how I am going to answer that question without having a nuclear meltdown resulting in tears and anger.

Well, I guess I should elaborate on how my life has been going, I am going broke trying to pay for broken car struts, I am working my ass off to get more hours at my part time job, and I am not sure if I will see my s.o. any time too soon since his own work place has turned into the titanic with everybody jumping ship.  Also, too add insult to injury my parents since they have been traveling so much have been going into major budgeting mode for the rest of the year.

Also, all this stress about finances is not helping my health or my stress eating. I have been taking sleeping pills more often since I have been too stressed to get a good nights sleep, my abs have been in pain  more often, and I doubt eating the crap I have been eating will not thrill my GP or nutritionist when I see them next  year. I was supposed to see them well now, but between work, needing new glasses and gaining almost 10 pounds back that I had lost last March, even I don’t think this a good idea. Also, I don’t think my ego could take any more scolding or lectures at this point.

Right now, it just feels like I am trying to get my s—- together which feels impossible even in the central valley while on the full time job hunt, when all I seem to get are rejection emails, calls, etc.  Also, I still haven’t figured out what career I would like to pursue  I have narrowed down the list to 40 job titles that I would probably have to go back to school for well all of them. So, I guess that is something in my life in which I have made some progress. It just feels lately like I am barely getting by. So, I am curious to all my readers have you ever had one of those days, weeks, months, where it feels like you won’t ever catch a break? Also, if you have gone through this, any tips on how to deal with it in a positive manner would be much appreciated.

The pits of unemployment…

For the past couple months, I have been reading many blogs about unemployment. I do this as my own catharsis and to realize that I am not the only person out there it feels like applying like a mad woman. Also have a general feeling of a chicken with her head cut off. However, a trend I have a noticed among my fellow bloggers is that they are depressed. I don’t blame them for being so being I have had plenty of low lows these past five months and it is hard to keep your hopes up depending on the unemployment in the city or country you are living in.

Also I have read other blogs that talk about how the loss of job causes a person to become both more stressed and depressed.  This is proven further by this article by Susan Adams in Forbes:  http://www.forbes.com/sites/susanadams/2014/06/09/how-unemployment-and-depression-fit-together/ in which she discusses how the longer one is unemployed the more depressed one will get.  I understand this but I wish my fellow unemployed bloggers did not feel like they were a waste of air. As far as I am concerned if you are looking for work every day or whenever your hectic life allows you to then you are not a waste of space.

I am not sure about everybody’s situation but I would try to be hopefully and think of it like a numbers game the more places you apply the more chances you have of an employer giving you a chance and saying “yes” or “your hired”,those two magical words.  I understand hating the “noes” or the “We are pursuing other candidates at this time” I should know I am going to probably have applied to almost 600 places by the end of June, well that is the goal anyway.  I just don’t want people to be down when if they have their health and familial and friends support then all is good. And know that I am done sounding like “Pollyanna”, that the end of my ramble stating that people need to be hopeful in this job search even when it feels like the odds are against them.

p.s. Does anyone know of any unemployment forum groups to join to vent would so want to join? Also if none exist does anyone know how to create forums for you blog, because I have tried with no success..