Can I be somebody else today?

Ok, for the past I don’t know how many years I usually done what was expected me was a daughter, girl friend, friend, sister, full time employee. I am on of those annoying people in that once I have decided I am going to put 100%+ effort into whatever that is. Also, I am at the disadvantage of being the oldest kid in the family and having to try to set a good example for my younger brothers.

In trying to put all this effort into these roles I wear myself out in the process. I am sure I am not the only one who has felt this societal pressure to do everything you can and do it well all with a fake grin plastered on your face. A fake grin like the one in photos where all you are thinking is can we stop all this awkward smiling and go back to my version of a normal life…

I have noticed since mid to late twenties to now I have realized most days I don’t want be the best whatever and I just am trying to survive. I am always joking with people that someone should clone me do that person can do the hard and annoying stuff and I can go back to bed. I know that is not humanly possible but sometimes I just would rather not be me in terms of certain characteristics or attitude. If its possible I just want a break from myself, all the emotional baggage that comes with me.

I don’t want to be the reliable one, the early one, who will show up early and be one of the last people to leave my desk. Or the one who is always reminding people when we’re out of food, peoples birthdays and the dates of doctors appt, etc. This just makes me like they should stamp “executive assistant” on my head and call it a day.

Sometimes I want to be the fun one, or wild person who might due things and not think about the consequences. The thing is the thought of trying to be more adventurous one and not me wears me out just thinking about it. I never got to do some of these adventurous and occasionally stupid events like getting drunk and a high school or college party, or the typical sex after prom ritual (am not judging those who had this experience, everybody seems to be ready for sex at different ages and points in their life), or in college trying to cram in so many events in a couple days that I had no sleep in the process.

I don’t feel like I missed out entirely because the social anxiety of trying to do some of these things stresses me out just thinking about it. Their is a good chance even I went to any of the parties listed above, most of the evening would be spent getting to know one person, reading, or hiding in a bath room or closet. Even knowing my tendencies their are still days I want to throw up my hands say I am done with doing certain behaviors and call it a day. I know this sounds weird but aren’t their days you don’t want to be what’s expected of you or what you expect of yourself? Idk sorry from the rambly post but my question for the ether is are their days when you want a break from being yourself? If that makes any sense at all.

Xoxo, the multifaceted nerd

Oh what a year it has been…

Alright, so where do I began with as far as how this year has gone thus far, I have got a new kick ass job that I actually like and actually look forward to going to work everyday. The people are nice and always willing to help even with receiving nothing in return. The thing is I have actually only been certified to do my job for the past 3 to 4 months so in a sense I am still learning my job and it is still kicking my ass. I hate not knowing things and I have accepted I will feel dumb at this job at a daily or weekly basis until I do some tasks so much I could do them in my sleep.

No you think this one stresser and me being behind on many doctors appointments and not having gotten new glasses when I should have got them last year.  (the refracting stuff is wearing off and am having hard time seeing well during the day, stupid sun) Now I admit it has been part making excuses, stress and being mildly depressed has not helped. I will fully admit I am having a hard time motivating myself to get up early enough and get that s—done.

Now part of this in addition to my professional work like going kick, kick, kick, (have we kicked you enough yet) , my personal life has decided to join in the kicking. It is partially my fault I had the bright idea that I could convince my s.o. to start looking for work, get his permit and license and maybe get one of those adult jobs with benefits and weekends off. Good idea in theory, in application it was a bad bad idea, I have myself wondering what the hell did I get myself into… No usually I don’t mention my s.o. in my blog but as of late he has reached a level of dumbassery and jerkiness that I have to talk about it , and yes I know those are not real words.

Now he does have a full time job the problem with this job is it has crappy hours, and its a time suck, like even when he is not there is trying to solve problems while still stupidly being terrified that he will be fired even though from what I can tell he is this companys walking and talking doormat.

So  while I have been supportive of this job in the past when I was unemployed and broke and never felt like I had any right to say anything about it, and I am now working a full time job that could turn into something.

Now here is the problem I basically gave him the ultimatum to look for work for four hours a week, get his permit, go on interviews, apply for other jobs, etc. and in return he could see me and I thought it would give him some incentive. Yeah, he has spent the past couple weeks , trying to move up in the current company that has caused for me many years of resentment and anger to build up on since it feels like I have been the one bending over backwards for him. Heck if I didn’t know and contact people and keep in touch over the years he would have less friends than he does now.  I am resentful of him, the place he works for etc, and I know I should try to be supportive when it seems like at every opportunity he will try to make feel small because my job is seasonal and that he thinks I should be looking for work, when I don’t even feel adept at my current job.

It is this that caused a three week break that I need to vent get angry, cry, bitch to my friends etc.. and then the s.o. and I had sex and things got complicated. I have since realized he needs to kick his own butt and that he wants a future with me, he needs to show it and all he has been showing me is that he doesn’t want to do anything but working at the same company he has been working at for 3 +  years. I am not saying I want him to quit tomorrow I just want him to make an effort at bettering his life, for me and for us. Every time I have a convo with him it feels like I am stuck in a conversation with a younger version of my dad and I don’t want to marry a man so stuck in his ways.  I just want to know that he is looking for work, I don’t care if he applied for 100 jobs and did not get any calls at least than I know he is trying to change the situation.

So I am know officially stuck in limbo and dragging myself to counseling and then the s.o. and I to couples counseling since we are in desperate need of a mediator to either work things out or break up. At the rate things are going it could be the latter, since from what I could tell he is digging his head in the sand, and is totally oblivious of the fact that his friends, family and hell girlfriend haven’t seen him since he is never around and always working and I have been the only one so far to speak out about it.  Its just he can’t have the crappy job and me, I would like him for once to choose me or us over a job that so won’t be here even I end up ending things with him and he seems in denial about that even being a possibility in the first place. / end rant and any thoughts on how to calmly deal with this situation in fair verbal fighting manner are much appreciated

 

The confusing points of “Lady Gone Bad”..

I have recently finished Sabine Star’s first western romance novel “Lady Gone Bad”. While this novel had occasional strong points, their were some scenes that just had me confused. Some of this confusion comes from Starr who brings in historical context at weird times and one is never able to find out all of the back story of Lady Gone Bad aka Sharlot.

(spoiler alert) Well lets start with the end of the novel in which Lady Gone Bad is pardoned because she helped catch a group of thieves along with a traitor to the government with the help of Rafe and her horse Copper. The problem is that once this all resolved all we really learn about is how the horse thieves Zip, Lampkin, etc. stole her prized horse and killed her parents, but we never hear of her journey after that point. I think this would be worth mentioning given that by the end of the novel most people have become invested in the main characters.

Now, to go off a tangent sort of another confusing point in this book is when Sharlot begins lecturing Rafe in a way about the civil war heroes from thirty years ago. She explains to Rafe that some outlaws are “Confederate heroes, or sons of the heroes, still engaged in the conflict, taking back what the union stole and giving it to the needy like they did during the war”(Starr 183).  I think the point that is she trying to make is that not all supposed criminals are guilty men or women and some people have to get involved with outlaws in order to gain justice. Sharlot is an example since she woos outlaws in order for her own agenda. Also, I think she is trying to get Rafe to realize that “there are always two sides to every story”(Starr 186). She also emphasizes that “People aren’t black, white or red. They’re grey”(Starr 187).  She is trying to get Rafe to realize that maybe the situations for outlaws, confederate soldiers are more complicated than they seem. The issue with this is Rafe is a law man and for him people fall into the two camps of “guilty” and “not guilty” with very little room to be anything else in the middle.

Their being two sides of things can also be seen through the female characters in this book. I say this because of the female role models in the book are Belle Starr and Lady Gone Bad. These women represent strong, independent women who take care of themselves and who do not want to be dependent on men. For instance Lady Gone Bad is able to support herself through singing and helping others. The other side of this coin is woman like Angel Rafe’s sister who are demure timid woman who will do whatever they can to win over a man it seems, even if these ladies are their idols.  This can be seen when she tells Lady Gone Bad “I’ve been working on this look with you in mind. She winked, chuckling. Angel Gone Bad”(Starr 212).  Rafe does not approve of this off course, but Angel does not seem to care in this situation.  When she explains to Rafe that she must stay with the VIking “long enough for him to understand I am his own true love”(Starr 213).

The book “Lady Gone Bad” by Sabine Starr shows to me that romance novels are more than just bad sex scenes that leave something to be desired.  I say that because to my recollection their is only one sex scene in the beginning of the book in which there is foreplay. However, I do like how she attempts to provide some historical context to these characters in her western romance novel, and shows two interesting perspectives of women gender roles through Lady Gone Bad and Angel.

 

 

Whats love got to do with it?

Not to be tangential but while I was in the car with a friend of mine, he started complaining about having to write articles about masturbation, oddly enough for a blog. I then started asking him about the types of sex he had to do articles for this blog and how in-depth he had to go. This then he led me to ask if they had to do any articles about relationships. The funny thing was that this person liked to write more articles about relationships then sex. I find this funny because one assumes that as a men that writing about sex would be more interesting than say relationships. However this person does not meet the stereotype at all given that prior to being a man they were a woman, which add a whole new layer this conversation.
Also it had me thinking about on views of sex and relationships and  strangely enough as a woman sometimes I care more about sex. I view sex though as the means to help the relationship flourish and keep things going. I also view the relationship as important for being able to talk to one another, laugh, and maintain intimacy.  This debate just has me wondering what matters more the sex or the relationship or are they both integral to maintain what would be deemed as a normal relationship. I am not sure about this as the sex and the relationship for me tend to bleed into one another. This is also a question of mine because in this hookup dating culture that has tended to permeate the younger generation in which giving and getting head seems to be part of the first date ritual, and the view of  old fashioned courtship seems to be an outdated method. I am just basing this off of horror stories about first and second date stories that I have heard from various friends and acquaintances who will remain anonymous.  So I ask you readers should I even be debating the value of sex and relationships or is it like comparing apples and oranges?