Does real romance exist?

Let’s just start this off by saying I am not a typical girly girl like at all. I will watch sports on occasion and I tend to show my affection through comedic or gag gifts rather than threw anything too sentimental. Actually, of the two of us I have to say my bf is the more romantic one. I wish I could be something resembling romantic or mildly sentimental, I want to want I just dont know if I can. I think part of the issue is that I believe that by acting like some sappy character out of a movie that I will be letting down my walls and being more intimate with the person. Which we’ll the thought of the listed above situations even in a hypothetical terrifies me.

I am not very good with letting people in even as friends, that and honestly it feels like I have been burned too many times before. I don’t have expectations of people contacting me, or them replying to me when they say they will. I just don’t trust them to show up for when I will almost always show up for them we needed. To top of this off I can be standoffish for a bit before I tell you anything personal, on average it takes 6 months to win some over and that time if not more to get to know them.

For me being romantic and showing the vulnerability I can’t even show with what is left of my adult friends, does not give me much hope. Also I think another part of the issue is that feels forced or like it is not genuine. I am sure this is not always the case, but I think some part of romance theses days died with chivilarly.

Women don’t expect me to vie for their affections like Jimmy, jeffy and Joey in Daria. Furthermore, based on what I have read lately woman are usually thrilled to not be ghosted by a guy or have them start really inappropriate conversations even if you barely know them. Between this and our current hook up culture, no wonder women like me can be asking about romantic gestures and what is the point of them anyway? So for anybody who any thoughts or has experienced a romance that felt genuine I would love to hear about if for nothing else to give me hope that it exists in the first place..

Xoxo, the multifaceted nerd

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Keep your hand out of the cookie jar..

I am curious as a kid were you always one of those people who when you were told not to do something you automatically wanted to do it. It had the reverse effect than your parents were intending in the first place. I feel like as an adult you have the freedom of no one saying don’t do that except your our own morals and the country and state penal codes. This concept can have its drawbacks as whole.

I have noticed when I try stuff I normally wouldn’t like hot chicken sandwiches, buffalo wings, any sort of bitter beer, or anything with a mild spicy kick I will do it and be paying it for later. Yet even after these lessons I still might continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. I am wondering if making the same errors when it comes to people, be it in a friendship of relationship, you know they are no good for you but you still stick around.

I say this as the chick who the friends I had while as an undergrad and graduate school, I only learn about their lives through Facebook. Or it has been so long that having a conversation is awkward to start and keep going for a decent amount of time. I know similar things occur with people you know in high school, the issue their is part of you still imagines them as how they looked and acted in high school. Of these groups of people some dropped off the face of the earth due to family matters or just stopped responding period.

Also, I unfortunately have the tendency of being way too clingy with getting to know new people or trying to refriend old people from my past. I know this one of my fatal flaws, as I think I am worried I have to grab on so tight because I feel I will be rejected or abandoned in the end. This is not healthy I know, and yeah for therapy to try to work on it. This just leaves my leading question do you ever pursue people, even if you know it will end in disaster and heartbreak in the end?

Xoxo, the multifaceted nerd

Hot chicken sandwiches, the fair weathered friends of food

So when it comes to friendships, I tend to be a masochist, and am usually the one making all the effort some of the time. With these people I usually throw my hands up in ire or try to forget about them. To me these people are like hot chicken sandwiches from chick fil-a taste good at first and clear your sinuses but are kicking your ass with their heat tell you go to bed.

The friends that are there for you and try to main contact these are the reliable foods that you can always depend on such as oatmeal, sandwiches, angry orchard cider, etc. You know they will be there if you ever need to contact them.

The reason for this food related ramble is because I tried to make contact with a hot chicken sandwich only to be an ignored after thought once again. I know as an adult friends of people you try to make friends with come and go, but this is just made harder with self isolation and covid since last March.

Honestly, making friends as an adult is hard enough for a socially awkward introvert as me, throw in covid where more people are depressed and lonely than ever and the odds of taking the risk to chat with someone on this trying time goes down.

Has anyone else been dealing with this sort of trying to make friends or maintain them during covid?

Xoxo, the multifaceted nerd

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Split into two

I thought 2021 was supposed to be easier. I was wrong on that front. Am still trying to get my personal life and health together.

The health part is getting easier, got an iud, yeah even with the periods and weeks of pain ahead, fun. Because I need physical pain to add all the emotional and stress from the past year, that I still need to see a couple therapists about.

The bf and I are still working through a dead bedroom and a rut. We are communicating fine but the passion is just lacking. To top it I still have no idea how I feel about my ex/friend?. My bf made the snarky yet accurate comment if we were ever really friends. Hell if I know…….

Also the ex is poly and married so their is that. Me and emotionally unavaible men, oh what a combo. I just wish I knew what I was doing or where I was going… Also, I dont know how to answer the many questions I have about things lately. Maybe when the bf and I reconnect he will go back to being an after thought because it feels like that is all I am like with him or not a thought at all… Even as a “friend” and am not one of his groupies known as a “psych ranger”, a name that is so one the nose and needs to be changed to something else.

Xoxo, the multifaceted nerd

I am thinking about leaving fb….not related to books…but will get me to read more of them

I have been thinking about leaving Facebook for a while. I am not as into the applications as before and I don’t get to chat with people as often as I would like. I like it because it has helped maintain some friendships but it also gets rid of privacy along with losing the face to face communication. In the words of Carrie – “you can hear everybody’s everything” which is not always a good thing. Also I am with Brendan from My Boys that “sometimes it makes the world a smaller place and that is not necessarily a good thing”. My main use for Facebook currently is to connect with friends and get to know acquaintances that I never get to see. Also I am hoping through leaving Facebook I will be able to focus on more important things in my life like catching up on my reading, working on my thesis and getting into shape so I can run a 5k or half marathon for charity, and to get a part time job, and spend more time with friends and my bf. This all I have to say on leaving Facebook for now , I will post my book review on The Chocolate war when I finish the book.