Monogamy/polygamy

While I have been I guess you can say a traditional monogomist all my life I have known and read about people who are polygamous. I do this if for nothing else but to try to understand their perspective. Just based off the minimal research I have done so far, I am not sure if it’s for me. I am one of those people if I get too overwhelmed their is a good chance I will end up crying in a bathroom or closet. (i.e. dating one person is stressful enough, much less two plus depending on how a couple defines their polygamous relationship)

Actually in a podcast I have only barely started listening to called “turn me on” and the main hosts are a married polygamous couple. One interesting thing is the husband has stated is that being in a polygamist relationship is “hard work”. Which I could see because you have to always be communicating to your spouse, metamour/bf/gf along with yourself to stick with whatever boundaries have been set up over time. These boundaries that I am guessing evolve over time.

I am honestly impressed at how people can be in polygamous relationships and still maintain any kids, jobs, etc. The only comparison I think I can make is how some couples view couples with kids and ask themselves when do the parents have time to sleep much less socialize with each other or other adults. Honestly, the idea of thinking about being poly or having kids just wears me out. Kudos to those that can do it, its just with my relationship issues, having one person deal with that is fine, any more and I would start to feel bad.

The thing that bothers me is how society has put monogamy and polygamy as an us versus them sort of structure. I know this has changed a bit and that their are some polyamorous examples in tvs, movies, etc. I don’t think it has totally had been accepted by the main stream community. I think the problem in this case is the perspective. I view monogamy and polyamory has just different ways to have fulfilling and loving relationship(s) be it as a couple, triad, v, polycule, etc. The number of people should not matter as long as their is respect, communication and consent than I don’t see the problem.

I think people just don’t want to admit that all relationships have risks and no one wants to get hurt or be rejected. Also, I am sure you can feel as lonely in a relationship as you do a polycule. I guessing I am wondering if polyamory at some point will go the way of gay marriage and more of society will be open and ok with the idea. I just look at it is as people wanting to love more than one person, when honestly we as a society could do with some more love in this world.

Xoxo, the multifaceted nerd

Divisions of labor

There is someone I know who on top of going to work, doing all household chores, cooking, and running their own tik tok does it and is okay with it. This does not jibe with me whether you are male or female. I have read many a reddit story and newspaper article about this partner who does all the work, gets none of the thanks in return and ends up resenting their partner in the end.

Actually sadly I have been that partner Joe my bf does not resent me daily I will never know. I however at least try to help with the cooking and cleaning when I feel up to it. I also try to compensate with this making sure we have food in the apartment , basic toiletries and cleaning to make sure we can actually move around the apartment or see items in the fridge, freeze, etc. I tend to do more of the emotional labor and the researching.

However, I suspect their may have been some spats with the person I know since they almost divorced 3 to 4 times in going on 8 years of marriage. But some of this might have had to do with the wife figuring out their trans and poly. Which is alot to put on someone no matter how open minded you are or can be. This is really odd considering they are kind of a tradional couple they had the big fall wedding, she took his name, they bought a house and pets.

But I think these days the vision of what a family looks like and what their l tender roles are gender(s) have become more malleable. This is not the 1950’s with doris day taking care of the house, making dinner and waiting on her husband and foot. We are past the days we’re women should be told to “sit still and look pretty” in the words of Daya.

The issue now is finding ways to bend and stretch those traditional gender roles without taking your partner for granted especially when they do everything and then some with who knows how much thanks or appreciation in return. I think the goal from the late 1980s of an equal partnership in a marriage/relationship/polycule should be something resembling fair because finding a way for it to be equal sounds like a logistical nightmare..

Even with this goal of fairness of the relationship labors be they emotional of physical, sometimes I can’t help but wonder how many of these relationships actually exist or how much both people compromise for their family to make sure things go smoothly. Any thoughts or comments on this would be much appreciated..

Xoxo, the multifaceted nerd

.

.

Defined by a relationship?

Well, when I was been asked twenty questions by some of my students they asked if I was in a relationship?  I told them they I had a boyfriend. They looked at me like I had won the lottery. Which I guess in a sense I have I found some one who can live with my many neurosis and loves me any way.  However, for some of the teenagers it seemed like being in a relationship was a defining part of their identity.
I guess I find this sort of clingy aspect weird because I have always viewed it that I was my own person out of said relationship.  I still like to do my own things, watch my own shows, and hell even hog the bed and still in some sense want my own space. Its not that I don’t like this person in this space with me, it makes it better and its nice to have someone that banters and keeps up, if not I would be both lonely and bored, and frankly he is one of the few people I know who really gets me.  I just wonder why these teenager girls think there lives need to be defined by whether or not they have a boyfriend? I wonder why they are not focused on volunteering, going to college, or in some shape or form thinking about their future. Or at the very least if they do have a boyfriend their grades should not suffer in the process.
Also I think the reason this infatuation towards a guy is so foreign to me is because I have the anomaly of being in a relationship longer than most people have been married and I have an overwhelming fear of commitment and intimacy.  It took me tell about six months ago to be comfortable with the idea of being engaged.  The one good thing is my boyfriend has similar fears as I do so combined we might make a normal healthy person in a relationship.  We both have our own reasons for feeling this way but we get each other none the less.   So all this reflection has me wondering for those single and coupled up do you ever feel defined by your relationship or can you be your own person even while being in a relationship?  And is their some grey area between these two point of views?