How much do you want me to lie to you?

The title above is a question I would ask coworkers, acquaintances, etc.. whenever they wanted my opinion about something. I need this question for the sake of tact because if not you will hear the non sugar coated version that usually results in me saying or doing something stupid. I guess this bugs me because one of these days I would love to voice my opinion without people having a cow.

I know this day is not coming anytime soon as very few people can get away with saying what everybody thinks and doesn’t say or what they think without offending some part of the population. I don’t think have the agency or position to say any of these things and get away with it. The problem is that I will ethically be inclined to believe that honesty is the best policy.

However, even with these beliefs I myself have been guilty of lying by omission to some of the people I am closest with and some that I am still trying to get to know. The only lame excuse I give is thaf what I could tell them they might not take very well at all. Also, I would like to resolve the issue myself so the point becomes moot and their is nothing to tell. I do plan on telling my psychologist but that is only because of doctor, patient confidentiality.

I am curious as to the readers and bloggers out there do you ever feel like you need to lie to people (be it by omission of info or a white lie) because you think they can’t handle the truth? Also after you have told this lie, do you have guilt for months because you lied… Any two cents on this ethical quandary are much appreciated..

Xoxo, the multifaceted nerd

Does real romance exist?

Let’s just start this off by saying I am not a typical girly girl like at all. I will watch sports on occasion and I tend to show my affection through comedic or gag gifts rather than threw anything too sentimental. Actually, of the two of us I have to say my bf is the more romantic one. I wish I could be something resembling romantic or mildly sentimental, I want to want I just dont know if I can. I think part of the issue is that I believe that by acting like some sappy character out of a movie that I will be letting down my walls and being more intimate with the person. Which we’ll the thought of the listed above situations even in a hypothetical terrifies me.

I am not very good with letting people in even as friends, that and honestly it feels like I have been burned too many times before. I don’t have expectations of people contacting me, or them replying to me when they say they will. I just don’t trust them to show up for when I will almost always show up for them we needed. To top of this off I can be standoffish for a bit before I tell you anything personal, on average it takes 6 months to win some over and that time if not more to get to know them.

For me being romantic and showing the vulnerability I can’t even show with what is left of my adult friends, does not give me much hope. Also I think another part of the issue is that feels forced or like it is not genuine. I am sure this is not always the case, but I think some part of romance theses days died with chivilarly.

Women don’t expect me to vie for their affections like Jimmy, jeffy and Joey in Daria. Furthermore, based on what I have read lately woman are usually thrilled to not be ghosted by a guy or have them start really inappropriate conversations even if you barely know them. Between this and our current hook up culture, no wonder women like me can be asking about romantic gestures and what is the point of them anyway? So for anybody who any thoughts or has experienced a romance that felt genuine I would love to hear about if for nothing else to give me hope that it exists in the first place..

Xoxo, the multifaceted nerd

.

Keep your hand out of the cookie jar..

I am curious as a kid were you always one of those people who when you were told not to do something you automatically wanted to do it. It had the reverse effect than your parents were intending in the first place. I feel like as an adult you have the freedom of no one saying don’t do that except your our own morals and the country and state penal codes. This concept can have its drawbacks as whole.

I have noticed when I try stuff I normally wouldn’t like hot chicken sandwiches, buffalo wings, any sort of bitter beer, or anything with a mild spicy kick I will do it and be paying it for later. Yet even after these lessons I still might continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. I am wondering if making the same errors when it comes to people, be it in a friendship of relationship, you know they are no good for you but you still stick around.

I say this as the chick who the friends I had while as an undergrad and graduate school, I only learn about their lives through Facebook. Or it has been so long that having a conversation is awkward to start and keep going for a decent amount of time. I know similar things occur with people you know in high school, the issue their is part of you still imagines them as how they looked and acted in high school. Of these groups of people some dropped off the face of the earth due to family matters or just stopped responding period.

Also, I unfortunately have the tendency of being way too clingy with getting to know new people or trying to refriend old people from my past. I know this one of my fatal flaws, as I think I am worried I have to grab on so tight because I feel I will be rejected or abandoned in the end. This is not healthy I know, and yeah for therapy to try to work on it. This just leaves my leading question do you ever pursue people, even if you know it will end in disaster and heartbreak in the end?

Xoxo, the multifaceted nerd

Monogamy/polygamy

While I have been I guess you can say a traditional monogomist all my life I have known and read about people who are polygamous. I do this if for nothing else but to try to understand their perspective. Just based off the minimal research I have done so far, I am not sure if it’s for me. I am one of those people if I get too overwhelmed their is a good chance I will end up crying in a bathroom or closet. (i.e. dating one person is stressful enough, much less two plus depending on how a couple defines their polygamous relationship)

Actually in a podcast I have only barely started listening to called “turn me on” and the main hosts are a married polygamous couple. One interesting thing is the husband has stated is that being in a polygamist relationship is “hard work”. Which I could see because you have to always be communicating to your spouse, metamour/bf/gf along with yourself to stick with whatever boundaries have been set up over time. These boundaries that I am guessing evolve over time.

I am honestly impressed at how people can be in polygamous relationships and still maintain any kids, jobs, etc. The only comparison I think I can make is how some couples view couples with kids and ask themselves when do the parents have time to sleep much less socialize with each other or other adults. Honestly, the idea of thinking about being poly or having kids just wears me out. Kudos to those that can do it, its just with my relationship issues, having one person deal with that is fine, any more and I would start to feel bad.

The thing that bothers me is how society has put monogamy and polygamy as an us versus them sort of structure. I know this has changed a bit and that their are some polyamorous examples in tvs, movies, etc. I don’t think it has totally had been accepted by the main stream community. I think the problem in this case is the perspective. I view monogamy and polyamory has just different ways to have fulfilling and loving relationship(s) be it as a couple, triad, v, polycule, etc. The number of people should not matter as long as their is respect, communication and consent than I don’t see the problem.

I think people just don’t want to admit that all relationships have risks and no one wants to get hurt or be rejected. Also, I am sure you can feel as lonely in a relationship as you do a polycule. I guessing I am wondering if polyamory at some point will go the way of gay marriage and more of society will be open and ok with the idea. I just look at it is as people wanting to love more than one person, when honestly we as a society could do with some more love in this world.

Xoxo, the multifaceted nerd

Can I be somebody else today?

Ok, for the past I don’t know how many years I usually done what was expected me was a daughter, girl friend, friend, sister, full time employee. I am on of those annoying people in that once I have decided I am going to put 100%+ effort into whatever that is. Also, I am at the disadvantage of being the oldest kid in the family and having to try to set a good example for my younger brothers.

In trying to put all this effort into these roles I wear myself out in the process. I am sure I am not the only one who has felt this societal pressure to do everything you can and do it well all with a fake grin plastered on your face. A fake grin like the one in photos where all you are thinking is can we stop all this awkward smiling and go back to my version of a normal life…

I have noticed since mid to late twenties to now I have realized most days I don’t want be the best whatever and I just am trying to survive. I am always joking with people that someone should clone me do that person can do the hard and annoying stuff and I can go back to bed. I know that is not humanly possible but sometimes I just would rather not be me in terms of certain characteristics or attitude. If its possible I just want a break from myself, all the emotional baggage that comes with me.

I don’t want to be the reliable one, the early one, who will show up early and be one of the last people to leave my desk. Or the one who is always reminding people when we’re out of food, peoples birthdays and the dates of doctors appt, etc. This just makes me like they should stamp “executive assistant” on my head and call it a day.

Sometimes I want to be the fun one, or wild person who might due things and not think about the consequences. The thing is the thought of trying to be more adventurous one and not me wears me out just thinking about it. I never got to do some of these adventurous and occasionally stupid events like getting drunk and a high school or college party, or the typical sex after prom ritual (am not judging those who had this experience, everybody seems to be ready for sex at different ages and points in their life), or in college trying to cram in so many events in a couple days that I had no sleep in the process.

I don’t feel like I missed out entirely because the social anxiety of trying to do some of these things stresses me out just thinking about it. Their is a good chance even I went to any of the parties listed above, most of the evening would be spent getting to know one person, reading, or hiding in a bath room or closet. Even knowing my tendencies their are still days I want to throw up my hands say I am done with doing certain behaviors and call it a day. I know this sounds weird but aren’t their days you don’t want to be what’s expected of you or what you expect of yourself? Idk sorry from the rambly post but my question for the ether is are their days when you want a break from being yourself? If that makes any sense at all.

Xoxo, the multifaceted nerd

The image on social media versus reality

I have been wondering if some of the social media influencers are putting on an act. They have these images carefully curated so that their viewers will keep on watching them via tik tok or instagram. Now their are those exceptions with those people who keep it real and you can tell they are being authentic and having nothing to hide.

I think people can sense how authentic the person on social media or as a friend or acquaintance. People have “tells” where they can be saying one thing but nonverbally they mean the opposite. You can tell when they are lying to themselves and others. I can vouch for this as I have been known to lie to myself from time to time.

The problem is sometimes you can’t point out these “tells” to the people you either watch or talk to on a weekly basis. Or when you do all you will get is a angry or emotional response, no matter how warranted. The issue though is sometimes you can see that they might be saying everything’s good when it’s really not. This can be seen based on the tone, a sigh, or in some cases just sounding tired.

One example would be if someone asks what’s wrong and they reply “nothing” depending on the tone and nonverbal cues that nothing might actually be something. I have been guilty of doing this way more than I should. This does have me wondering how many encounters people have had when they can tell someone is lying or they are lying to themselves, they just don’t realize it yet. Additionally, how might people respond to these events in which they are lying to themselves or others. Anyone who has experience the situations listed above, I am curious to know your response to others “masking” their true feelings and emotions, or what do you do when your the one putting a show and trying to hide how you really from others?

Xoxo, the multifaceted nerd

Divisions of labor

There is someone I know who on top of going to work, doing all household chores, cooking, and running their own tik tok does it and is okay with it. This does not jibe with me whether you are male or female. I have read many a reddit story and newspaper article about this partner who does all the work, gets none of the thanks in return and ends up resenting their partner in the end.

Actually sadly I have been that partner Joe my bf does not resent me daily I will never know. I however at least try to help with the cooking and cleaning when I feel up to it. I also try to compensate with this making sure we have food in the apartment , basic toiletries and cleaning to make sure we can actually move around the apartment or see items in the fridge, freeze, etc. I tend to do more of the emotional labor and the researching.

However, I suspect their may have been some spats with the person I know since they almost divorced 3 to 4 times in going on 8 years of marriage. But some of this might have had to do with the wife figuring out their trans and poly. Which is alot to put on someone no matter how open minded you are or can be. This is really odd considering they are kind of a tradional couple they had the big fall wedding, she took his name, they bought a house and pets.

But I think these days the vision of what a family looks like and what their l tender roles are gender(s) have become more malleable. This is not the 1950’s with doris day taking care of the house, making dinner and waiting on her husband and foot. We are past the days we’re women should be told to “sit still and look pretty” in the words of Daya.

The issue now is finding ways to bend and stretch those traditional gender roles without taking your partner for granted especially when they do everything and then some with who knows how much thanks or appreciation in return. I think the goal from the late 1980s of an equal partnership in a marriage/relationship/polycule should be something resembling fair because finding a way for it to be equal sounds like a logistical nightmare..

Even with this goal of fairness of the relationship labors be they emotional of physical, sometimes I can’t help but wonder how many of these relationships actually exist or how much both people compromise for their family to make sure things go smoothly. Any thoughts or comments on this would be much appreciated..

Xoxo, the multifaceted nerd

.

.

the evolving friendships over the years…

I know I was planning to post about Evelina, but I think that might have to wait tell later this week. I think just after my grandma died I have begun to figure out more so who my friends are, and it is those who stick around and are there for me when I need them and vice versa. While, I know this too be true, I am just having a horrible time letting go, when I know that I should. When, I know I should not be getting angry at people that the last time I was close and knew them pretty well was as an undergrad.

I am beginning to feel like PJ from My boys when she hangs out with an old friend of her and realize how divergent their interests have become since all she wants to do is spa and club. While, PJ is into watching sports, and hanging with her guy friends at the local bar. I am beginning to feel like that some of the people I know all they want to do is play pool and drink at bars. I on the other hand do not have the stamina or brain power lately for any of these activities, also with my bad liver, I would not want to risk a couple drinks.

I just need to not get so angry about it I guess and deal with the fact that you are bound to drift apart from people over the years. Also, I would be willing to give more friendships a shot if I knew that other people would be putting effort into them also. That’s all for now, will post about Evelina later.

Weddings..or a circus

I know that I have not posted in a while the past couple months have been consumed with trying to graduate which I think I will be able to do by this December. But my main reason for this post was because I went to a wedding recently for my bf’s brother and it just made me realize how cookie cutter and contrived these events can be in terms of lacking originality or forethought no matter how much money or time was spent on said event. I say this because it was a fall wedding with fall decorations , the same type of flowers one is used to seeing and printed menus. The dullness of this event continue with it being a weekend wedding at night. The only original things if you can call them that were using rocks as centerpieces and using an original 80’s song for the wedding dance. This event just had me wonder when did weddings become so traditional and repetitive. Also I had to deal with the traditional wedding stress by being with a family that felt strapped for cash and unappreciative older son and all my bf got for going there was a “thanks bro” when he had taken a week off from work. All this stress however did force me to do something I never do at parties which is fast dance, I had to cut loose the stress was getting to me, and I was supposed to be a guest at this event.
Also this made me realize that to all you bride and grooms out there when planning a wedding to have someone to disseminate the basic information of the wedding or heck hire a planner so they can make an itinerary for all the guests so they know what is happening in the coming days. It was like pulling teeth to find out information for an event that had been planned six months in advance during a holiday which as far as I am concerned were the two faux pauxs of the event. The couple needed to spend more time planning and not have it during a holiday because most people have other plans and the traffic during the holidays is horrible. I get the couple is stressed and they have work and a wedding to plan but seriously they are ways to work around this, one would think.
I know this a weird thing to post about but this wedding had me wondering how fine the line was between a wedding or circus because frankly I can’t tell at this point. I mean why can’t this events be simple, creative and represent the couple without being cookie cutter. Also maybe I have been jaded by the DIY weddings one sees on blogs where the couple may have less dinero but they make the most of it. I think the cash restrictions while annoying push people to think outside the traditional box of what society and people dictate that a wedding should be. The other issue is that I did not who was pulling the strings in this wedding the bride or the family so it was hard to determine who had changed this wedding from a simple event to something bigger or more complicated than it needs to be. So readers I ask you should weddings be a major over the top event with the family stressing tell the day off or should it be a simple event with the focus being on the couple at hand and their interests?

Can it be 2021 already..

Dear future self,

By the time covid is over hopefully me and many others will have figured out how to deal with the loneliness. Apparently people can be unreliable even during the worst of times.

Hopefully we will have found productive ways to spend our time that brings us joy be it a bookclub, baking, learning a new skill or language.. At the very least these tasks can distract us from the loneliness.

And to those living with significant others, good news you have someone to talk to, bad news they are probably the main person you are talking too these days. I suspect by the time this over future self that their will be many covid marriages, divorces and babies.. Future self I am beginning to think if a couple can’t make it through a pandemic when all they have mainly is each other, how will they survive a marriage..

Also, future self hopefully by the time this is over hopefully you will have figured out some of your own shit.. Hopefully you will know what you want and why you want it. Maybe everyday can stop feeling so slow, covid feels like when your staring forever at the clock that is going so slowly, waiting for the bell to ring.. Is this bell ever going to ring..

Hopefully by 2021 all of this will seem less daunting and more manageable.  Or it will get worse with my luck, who knows.

Sincerely,

present self