Weddings..or a circus

I know that I have not posted in a while the past couple months have been consumed with trying to graduate which I think I will be able to do by this December. But my main reason for this post was because I went to a wedding recently for my bf’s brother and it just made me realize how cookie cutter and contrived these events can be in terms of lacking originality or forethought no matter how much money or time was spent on said event. I say this because it was a fall wedding with fall decorations , the same type of flowers one is used to seeing and printed menus. The dullness of this event continue with it being a weekend wedding at night. The only original things if you can call them that were using rocks as centerpieces and using an original 80’s song for the wedding dance. This event just had me wonder when did weddings become so traditional and repetitive. Also I had to deal with the traditional wedding stress by being with a family that felt strapped for cash and unappreciative older son and all my bf got for going there was a “thanks bro” when he had taken a week off from work. All this stress however did force me to do something I never do at parties which is fast dance, I had to cut loose the stress was getting to me, and I was supposed to be a guest at this event.
Also this made me realize that to all you bride and grooms out there when planning a wedding to have someone to disseminate the basic information of the wedding or heck hire a planner so they can make an itinerary for all the guests so they know what is happening in the coming days. It was like pulling teeth to find out information for an event that had been planned six months in advance during a holiday which as far as I am concerned were the two faux pauxs of the event. The couple needed to spend more time planning and not have it during a holiday because most people have other plans and the traffic during the holidays is horrible. I get the couple is stressed and they have work and a wedding to plan but seriously they are ways to work around this, one would think.
I know this a weird thing to post about but this wedding had me wondering how fine the line was between a wedding or circus because frankly I can’t tell at this point. I mean why can’t this events be simple, creative and represent the couple without being cookie cutter. Also maybe I have been jaded by the DIY weddings one sees on blogs where the couple may have less dinero but they make the most of it. I think the cash restrictions while annoying push people to think outside the traditional box of what society and people dictate that a wedding should be. The other issue is that I did not who was pulling the strings in this wedding the bride or the family so it was hard to determine who had changed this wedding from a simple event to something bigger or more complicated than it needs to be. So readers I ask you should weddings be a major over the top event with the family stressing tell the day off or should it be a simple event with the focus being on the couple at hand and their interests?

Can it be 2021 already..

Dear future self,

By the time covid is over hopefully me and many others will have figured out how to deal with the loneliness. Apparently people can be unreliable even during the worst of times.

Hopefully we will have found productive ways to spend our time that brings us joy be it a bookclub, baking, learning a new skill or language.. At the very least these tasks can distract us from the loneliness.

And to those living with significant others, good news you have someone to talk to, bad news they are probably the main person you are talking too these days. I suspect by the time this over future self that their will be many covid marriages, divorces and babies.. Future self I am beginning to think if a couple can’t make it through a pandemic when all they have mainly is each other, how will they survive a marriage..

Also, future self hopefully by the time this is over hopefully you will have figured out some of your own shit.. Hopefully you will know what you want and why you want it. Maybe everyday can stop feeling so slow, covid feels like when your staring forever at the clock that is going so slowly, waiting for the bell to ring.. Is this bell ever going to ring..

Hopefully by 2021 all of this will seem less daunting and more manageable.  Or it will get worse with my luck, who knows.


present self


New year…new me?

Well, the year of 2016 is over, all I can say to that is yeah…2016 kicked my ass I have been learning a new job for the past year, I just made it through probation. Also I have been moved to a new unit thankfully with some people I know and am still adjusting or it feels like it anyway. I still don’t have a set group of people to have lunch with and this kind of bums me out. This year right now is beginning to feel a little isolating so far I am hoping I will try to find people I had lunch with last year and hang out with them.  Right now I am still feeling like I have to prove myself to my lead and my manager and myself and live up to the person I was last year. Its exhausting.

Actually this whole year feels like it been exhausting, but it could just to due to lack of iron. I have had to start to take iron pills and b12 for the past couple months and have had many doctors tell me I need to exercise a couple times a week. I am in total agreement since I have gained back the weight I lost many years ago. Its the motivating myself to do it that is the -itch. Its hard to motivate yourself when you feel tired all the time and right now the goal is to get on the treadmill 2* a week and once I get a more healthy diet I will record what  I eat and what I weigh for now the scale is the plague.

Part of my excuse for putting off all this is partly me just making excuses and sadly because this year my mental health has been taking a priority. I have been to counseling by myself and with my s.o. for the past 6 months.  To say that has emotionally kicked my ass is an understatement.  Also I have a feeling I will be going to counseling for a long time to deal with my many commitment issues among other things.

To deal with the crazyiness that is my life lately I have been trying to make my relationship with my s.o. a priority along with trying to have a social life with my friends.  However, one of my frenimies or acquaintances has pissed me off the past couple weeks by trying to call out me and the s.o. to hang out. I find this ironic and annoying because me and another friend of mine have been bugging this person to hang out for months only to be blown off.  I never see this person ever during the year as of late and am now at this point in my life where I am trying to catch up from all the stuff I did not accomplish last year.  Also, I am at this point where I will see them when I am good and ready.

Since, these days I have been feeling lost while it feels like I have accomplished some things like not being terrible at a new job, working on my relationship with the s.o. and I joined a book club with actually adult woman who all have families and babies and kick ass jobs. I mainly joined it so I could socialize with women or people in general and maybe make some new friends. I am generally not very good at this and don’t tend to let my guard down tell I have known people for a while, its not personal its just for me when something good happens, I always wonder whats the catch? or is it down hill from here. Also, because after my graduate degree I need a break from reading for a while, so this book club can at least make me feel like I did something even it was only reading a book a month.

However, I was talking to one of them on the way home who gave me a ride there and she was wondering why I never went in to teaching? Its not like I never tried its just after so much rejection I think I either gave up or thought being an adjunct for many years to become an instructor was maybe not worth all the pain of it. I really don’t know to be honest. I feel like Rory from Gilmore Girls a year in the life, as I am lost and trying to find my way and have no idea where to go or how to get there. My tentative plan is to see if through work I can start seeing a career counselor because I would be more than willing to go back to school if I was bound and determined and thought it would be worth the effort.

So maybe 2017 can be the year where I get my health back on track, pay catch up on my huge to do list or at least make a really big dent in it, and maybe figure out what sort of career is right for me. I love my job I do and it could turn into a career but I am at age where I would like to keep my options open and I don’t want to be one of those adults in my 50’s or 60’s and wondering did I ever pursue in life what I wanted to pursue, I would rather have no regrets. I guess that is all for now I which career I would like to pursue.  I guess my new year goals are to lose weight and figure out my career ambitions whatever they are.

Oh what a year it has been…

Alright, so where do I began with as far as how this year has gone thus far, I have got a new kick ass job that I actually like and actually look forward to going to work everyday. The people are nice and always willing to help even with receiving nothing in return. The thing is I have actually only been certified to do my job for the past 3 to 4 months so in a sense I am still learning my job and it is still kicking my ass. I hate not knowing things and I have accepted I will feel dumb at this job at a daily or weekly basis until I do some tasks so much I could do them in my sleep.

No you think this one stresser and me being behind on many doctors appointments and not having gotten new glasses when I should have got them last year.  (the refracting stuff is wearing off and am having hard time seeing well during the day, stupid sun) Now I admit it has been part making excuses, stress and being mildly depressed has not helped. I will fully admit I am having a hard time motivating myself to get up early enough and get that s—done.

Now part of this in addition to my professional work like going kick, kick, kick, (have we kicked you enough yet) , my personal life has decided to join in the kicking. It is partially my fault I had the bright idea that I could convince my s.o. to start looking for work, get his permit and license and maybe get one of those adult jobs with benefits and weekends off. Good idea in theory, in application it was a bad bad idea, I have myself wondering what the hell did I get myself into… No usually I don’t mention my s.o. in my blog but as of late he has reached a level of dumbassery and jerkiness that I have to talk about it , and yes I know those are not real words.

Now he does have a full time job the problem with this job is it has crappy hours, and its a time suck, like even when he is not there is trying to solve problems while still stupidly being terrified that he will be fired even though from what I can tell he is this companys walking and talking doormat.

So  while I have been supportive of this job in the past when I was unemployed and broke and never felt like I had any right to say anything about it, and I am now working a full time job that could turn into something.

Now here is the problem I basically gave him the ultimatum to look for work for four hours a week, get his permit, go on interviews, apply for other jobs, etc. and in return he could see me and I thought it would give him some incentive. Yeah, he has spent the past couple weeks , trying to move up in the current company that has caused for me many years of resentment and anger to build up on since it feels like I have been the one bending over backwards for him. Heck if I didn’t know and contact people and keep in touch over the years he would have less friends than he does now.  I am resentful of him, the place he works for etc, and I know I should try to be supportive when it seems like at every opportunity he will try to make feel small because my job is seasonal and that he thinks I should be looking for work, when I don’t even feel adept at my current job.

It is this that caused a three week break that I need to vent get angry, cry, bitch to my friends etc.. and then the s.o. and I had sex and things got complicated. I have since realized he needs to kick his own butt and that he wants a future with me, he needs to show it and all he has been showing me is that he doesn’t want to do anything but working at the same company he has been working at for 3 +  years. I am not saying I want him to quit tomorrow I just want him to make an effort at bettering his life, for me and for us. Every time I have a convo with him it feels like I am stuck in a conversation with a younger version of my dad and I don’t want to marry a man so stuck in his ways.  I just want to know that he is looking for work, I don’t care if he applied for 100 jobs and did not get any calls at least than I know he is trying to change the situation.

So I am know officially stuck in limbo and dragging myself to counseling and then the s.o. and I to couples counseling since we are in desperate need of a mediator to either work things out or break up. At the rate things are going it could be the latter, since from what I could tell he is digging his head in the sand, and is totally oblivious of the fact that his friends, family and hell girlfriend haven’t seen him since he is never around and always working and I have been the only one so far to speak out about it.  Its just he can’t have the crappy job and me, I would like him for once to choose me or us over a job that so won’t be here even I end up ending things with him and he seems in denial about that even being a possibility in the first place. / end rant and any thoughts on how to calmly deal with this situation in fair verbal fighting manner are much appreciated


An update on my so called life…

I have not posted in the past couple months because I have finally landed a full time job with benefits (well its seasonal but it sill counts in my mind) . I have my first adult job, and this has been a good and bad thing for me. It has finally giving me the funds to do things to renovate my life and room such as getting a much needed new pair of glasses and a new printer since mine has gone the way of the dinosaurs. The weird thing is I am not used to making a decent wage and still since I am intensely in training and trying to learn my current job, I won’t feel like I have earned it until I am doing at least adequate in my position.

Another weird thing is that I am currently for the first time ever making more than my s.o. even with the money that gets taken out of my check for taxes, etc.  I think this among my weird schedule for work has caused some strife among us. ( I mean I know the s.o. is proud of me but I think a small part of him is jealous, whether he wants to admit it or not)  My s.o. has this saying that he obviously stole that “we both can’t be going crazy at the same time”.  I think that is what is happening currently.

Lets just say his workplace and family life has made his current life very fragile to the point where I am grateful on the days that he will actually eat or get a good days rest. And in my case our training has been accelerated and I will be started doing my job way sooner than expected, so this on top of medical stuff and stuff I know I should have done months ago is wigging me out in the words of Buffy. Also I will be starting the job at a new location but the same city, so I am worried about driving  there since I am sort of a new driver and it takes me a couple times of practicing driving to a place before I can actually do it. It weird I know but currently it is what works me tell I can make the time to conquer driving around this city and on the freeway, etc.

For me I think I just have too much going on or it feels like and in the word of a friend of mine, his and my current theme for this year “adulting sucks”.  Even if I am going at my own pace to be honest, and I am beginning to feel like Carrie a bit in the first couple seasons of sex and the city like I am barely living a life in the first place. Are their any other people out there in the blogsphere who are also feeling this about their own life?


Well, remember the friend I was supposed to hang out with, who I was worried I have to answer questions about my life. Well, that was a bust this friend of mine never called me back or texted or facebook messaged or anything.  I never even got a response that was a lame old excuse and obviously a lie. I would have preferred a lie over radio silence at this point.  Then things get weird the day after this person blew me off I get invited to their birthday party. If that is not sending mixed messages, I don’t know what is. Their is a good chance I might not be able to make it since I am broke anyway (and the place this person picked is oh so expensive), and there will be enough people there that I will want to hide in a corner. I like interacting with people on an individual level, but ten to fifteen people will make me want to curl up in a ball.

Their is a good chance I will just treat this person to coffee since I can afford that, in lieu of spending too much money on a dinner with people I hardly know.  Part, of me doesn’t even want to do that because they have flaked on me so many times over this past year. Oddly, have the reason I suggest coffee last time was to see if they would show up before I could commit to food or not in the first place. I know it sounds like I am dating this person, but this friendship has been in a precarious position since August.

I feel like this friendship is at a fork in the road and I am deciding whether or not to go left or right. Actually, truth be told my life is beginning to feel that way where it has been a series of little disappointments be it in hanging out with certain people, or going through the laborious process of job hunting and interviews. I think I just want a win, I want something to pull through, and work out for me for once. I don’t care if its a person or an employment opportunity I am not picky. I am just curious if any of my other readers, are going through a similar malaise in which they are going through disappointments with the series of unfortunate events happening in their lives?

A life in pieces…

Well, I have decided finally to give the hermit lifestyle a temporary break. I asked a friend who I have not seen in months to hang out. The reason it has been hold is because oddly this friend of mine has been depressed. But now the tables have turned and I am in a funk.  Also, I am worried when he asks me how my life is going how I am going to answer that question without having a nuclear meltdown resulting in tears and anger.

Well, I guess I should elaborate on how my life has been going, I am going broke trying to pay for broken car struts, I am working my ass off to get more hours at my part time job, and I am not sure if I will see my s.o. any time too soon since his own work place has turned into the titanic with everybody jumping ship.  Also, too add insult to injury my parents since they have been traveling so much have been going into major budgeting mode for the rest of the year.

Also, all this stress about finances is not helping my health or my stress eating. I have been taking sleeping pills more often since I have been too stressed to get a good nights sleep, my abs have been in pain  more often, and I doubt eating the crap I have been eating will not thrill my GP or nutritionist when I see them next  year. I was supposed to see them well now, but between work, needing new glasses and gaining almost 10 pounds back that I had lost last March, even I don’t think this a good idea. Also, I don’t think my ego could take any more scolding or lectures at this point.

Right now, it just feels like I am trying to get my s—- together which feels impossible even in the central valley while on the full time job hunt, when all I seem to get are rejection emails, calls, etc.  Also, I still haven’t figured out what career I would like to pursue  I have narrowed down the list to 40 job titles that I would probably have to go back to school for well all of them. So, I guess that is something in my life in which I have made some progress. It just feels lately like I am barely getting by. So, I am curious to all my readers have you ever had one of those days, weeks, months, where it feels like you won’t ever catch a break? Also, if you have gone through this, any tips on how to deal with it in a positive manner would be much appreciated.

Underemployment..the new trend sweeping the nation

Well, the good news is that I have work, the bad news is I have become on of those sad tales where I am getting less than twenty hours a week and this does not help with the paying of car bills, insurance, and oh yeah that lovely little thing called rent.  Thankfully, I have parents who are understanding about this kind of thing.  Have you ever had one of those day where stuff happened it was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak? I will spare you the tawdry details only to say that a job I interviewed for and was well qualified for and would have saved me in gas and had me stop worrying about finances temporarily I did not get a call back to be hired even though I am qualified and could probably after a couple months and lots of training and hard work could do this job in my sleep.

Also, I went to work to pick up my paycheck and forgot I was supposed to show up at a certain time, so I plan to pick it up my next shift just to save on gas at this point. So, the good news is I now know some of the realities of being an adult, the bad news is I don’t like them. The one perk of being underemployed is probably have more time than I know what to do with.  So this gives me time to think of a future career or I guess apply for jobs where my masters degree might be of some use.

Actually me and my so are frequently asked why we are working where we are working because of our degrees.  Which pisses me off because my original plan was to go off and teach community college which became sort of impossible when I had no teaching experience when applying to these jobs. I did apply mind you and interviewed once (to be a TA , in grad school) and than gave up because apparently the fates that be decided this was not the job for me.

I have since decided teaching may or may not be for me. I suspect for the next couple weeks I will be looking up career titles for something that is calling for my name, or for a company or organization that cares more about people and training their people well over making a profit, or the making a profit is just a fringe benefit. I guess I am just feeling lost, angry, and hoping I find some inspiration so I can be the same determined person I used to be who wanted to make a difference in this world.

Also, I am sure I am not the only underemployed, graduate who is wondering why did life decide to give me the short end of the stick after all of this hard work?  What did I do to deserve this?

A friend of mine and I were discussing this at Starbucks how the people he knew had a hard time getting work, but he could get a job offer after getting teeth surgery and was planning to slow down for once.  While, some of the educated people he knew me included had a hard time landing a job, or getting good hours at your current job.  (it makes no sense and is too much of an Alice in Wonderland thing to make sense of)

Stuck in a rut…

Well in this coming month I am turning the big 3-0 and it feels like I am having a quarter life crisis all over again. I am currently just not very satisfied with my work or life situation. My hours are being cut and I am feeling very overworked and under appreciated. However, this is a part-time gig so what else did I expect.

To top it off my financial situation has not been that great considering I have had a new computer to pay for, a car I will be paying off tell my mid 30’s and now I am in desperate need to renovate my room so it feels like an apartment and not like a person who lives with her parents room. I also just desperately want to clean it out so that by the time I move out I will have a lot less stuff to lug with me.

Also, I have had people such as family and friends asking me about what the heck I am doing with my life and I would like to tell them I will get back to them hell when I know I am still figuring it out.  This just does not thrill me at all and is most of the reason I do not tell my coworkers my age or educational background because I am afraid it would turn my life into a 20 question round robin about what I am doing with my life. I have figured out that I don’t want to teach community college at least. I am not sure if I want to teach high school or teach period. While, I do have a masters in English literature and while my intention was to use that degree to teach community college I am not sure if that is what I want to do anymore.

I think the problem is that all my annoyance and anger and depression about this situation is that I am taking it out on the people I care about. I have taken to locking my self in my room and not leaving unless I am eating or clean my room. Also,  I have had two Gilmore Girl style breakdowns since this upcoming b-day.  Also, my significant other has had to deal with all this so I feel bad for him, when him and I both have our own shit to deal with in life to be blunt. He has taken to the being numb approach since he turned 30 six months ago, this is not an approach I want to take when it comes to this big birthday.

The other men in my life who are friends have taken the approach of this big birthday that has passed to try to get their lives together be it through leaving the Central Valley, or quitting their jobs to start a new adventure somewhere else. Unfortunately, I think living in the Central Valley makes you feel like you are a Dickens character in that one cannot began their life anew until they are living somewhere else other than where they grew up, fell in love, etc.

I think this analogy is quite apt considering I live in a city where that is known for its brain drain, high pollution, crime and obesity statistics. Most students who have a BA or higher go elsewhere because landing a professional decent paying job is like winning the lottery or you have to know someone who knows someone etc.  Also, I suck at networking so I have to work my ass off to have any hope of finding a decent position.  I am one of those people who would rather get to know and like people for who they are and the networking connection is just a fringe benefit of knowing them. I plan to remedy this to some extent with meetup groups with people who have the same interests as me so I can at least  have some sort of social life outside of work, job hunting, seeing my significant other, etc….

So my questions to all my readers out there of all ages is what have you done when you feel like your life has been just stuck in general and how did you overcome it..any tips or suggestions are greatly appreciated…


Lately my life feels like it is stuck in perpetual limbo, I am in a job I like but don’t love, life is good not great and I have not yet left the nest at the ripe old age of I am not gonna finish that sentence. Also, I live in the central valley which is the land of limbo/ wild wild west/ tale of two cities combined I say this because there is a big dichotomy in this  town in between the haves and have nots. Also, getting a government or professional job here is like winning the lottery because it has full time and has benefits. Most, people here like in the wild wild west have to make their own way here. It is not a bad thing, even any thing it just motivates you more to do whatever you want to in life whatever that is. Which, would be great for me if I knew what that was.

So, along with trying to figure it all out, a person who I thought I was close to has not contacted me in seven months, and while this person may have been busy potential working two jobs. I have not received a call or text or anything or even a response about why they are not talking to me. Is this normal, have manners gone out the window.., at this point I would take an annoyed response about my behavior, at least then I would no where I stand. In this “friendship”, if you can even call it that tell then I am stuck in limbo trying to figure out where I stand with this person. I am curious if anyone else has gone through anything similar with say a person they have known for over a decade.

This also makes me wondering if people these days are all stuck in limbo trying to figure out their next move like a chess game.  I mean with some people and work places you know what to expect but in some these occasions behaviors and actions can befuddle some people, me included.  I think for me I would like to get out the metaphorical dentists office and have my name be called on the level of finding my calling and being called, but I hate the dentist but am not in a rush for that either…