New year…new me?

Well, the year of 2016 is over, all I can say to that is yeah…2016 kicked my ass I have been learning a new job for the past year, I just made it through probation. Also I have been moved to a new unit thankfully with some people I know and am still adjusting or it feels like it anyway. I still don’t have a set group of people to have lunch with and this kind of bums me out. This year right now is beginning to feel a little isolating so far I am hoping I will try to find people I had lunch with last year and hang out with them.  Right now I am still feeling like I have to prove myself to my lead and my manager and myself and live up to the person I was last year. Its exhausting.

Actually this whole year feels like it been exhausting, but it could just to due to lack of iron. I have had to start to take iron pills and b12 for the past couple months and have had many doctors tell me I need to exercise a couple times a week. I am in total agreement since I have gained back the weight I lost many years ago. Its the motivating myself to do it that is the -itch. Its hard to motivate yourself when you feel tired all the time and right now the goal is to get on the treadmill 2* a week and once I get a more healthy diet I will record what  I eat and what I weigh for now the scale is the plague.

Part of my excuse for putting off all this is partly me just making excuses and sadly because this year my mental health has been taking a priority. I have been to counseling by myself and with my s.o. for the past 6 months.  To say that has emotionally kicked my ass is an understatement.  Also I have a feeling I will be going to counseling for a long time to deal with my many commitment issues among other things.

To deal with the crazyiness that is my life lately I have been trying to make my relationship with my s.o. a priority along with trying to have a social life with my friends.  However, one of my frenimies or acquaintances has pissed me off the past couple weeks by trying to call out me and the s.o. to hang out. I find this ironic and annoying because me and another friend of mine have been bugging this person to hang out for months only to be blown off.  I never see this person ever during the year as of late and am now at this point in my life where I am trying to catch up from all the stuff I did not accomplish last year.  Also, I am at this point where I will see them when I am good and ready.

Since, these days I have been feeling lost while it feels like I have accomplished some things like not being terrible at a new job, working on my relationship with the s.o. and I joined a book club with actually adult woman who all have families and babies and kick ass jobs. I mainly joined it so I could socialize with women or people in general and maybe make some new friends. I am generally not very good at this and don’t tend to let my guard down tell I have known people for a while, its not personal its just for me when something good happens, I always wonder whats the catch? or is it down hill from here. Also, because after my graduate degree I need a break from reading for a while, so this book club can at least make me feel like I did something even it was only reading a book a month.

However, I was talking to one of them on the way home who gave me a ride there and she was wondering why I never went in to teaching? Its not like I never tried its just after so much rejection I think I either gave up or thought being an adjunct for many years to become an instructor was maybe not worth all the pain of it. I really don’t know to be honest. I feel like Rory from Gilmore Girls a year in the life, as I am lost and trying to find my way and have no idea where to go or how to get there. My tentative plan is to see if through work I can start seeing a career counselor because I would be more than willing to go back to school if I was bound and determined and thought it would be worth the effort.

So maybe 2017 can be the year where I get my health back on track, pay catch up on my huge to do list or at least make a really big dent in it, and maybe figure out what sort of career is right for me. I love my job I do and it could turn into a career but I am at age where I would like to keep my options open and I don’t want to be one of those adults in my 50’s or 60’s and wondering did I ever pursue in life what I wanted to pursue, I would rather have no regrets. I guess that is all for now I which career I would like to pursue.  I guess my new year goals are to lose weight and figure out my career ambitions whatever they are.

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