Split into two

I thought 2021 was supposed to be easier. I was wrong on that front. Am still trying to get my personal life and health together.

The health part is getting easier, got an iud, yeah even with the periods and weeks of pain ahead, fun. Because I need physical pain to add all the emotional and stress from the past year, that I still need to see a couple therapists about.

The bf and I are still working through a dead bedroom and a rut. We are communicating fine but the passion is just lacking. To top it I still have no idea how I feel about my ex/friend?. My bf made the snarky yet accurate comment if we were ever really friends. Hell if I know…….

Also the ex is poly and married so their is that. Me and emotionally unavaible men, oh what a combo. I just wish I knew what I was doing or where I was going… Also, I dont know how to answer the many questions I have about things lately. Maybe when the bf and I reconnect he will go back to being an after thought because it feels like that is all I am like with him or not a thought at all… Even as a “friend” and am not one of his groupies known as a “psych ranger”, a name that is so one the nose and needs to be changed to something else.

Xoxo, the multifaceted nerd

How much do you want me to lie to you?

The title above is a question I would ask coworkers, acquaintances, etc.. whenever they wanted my opinion about something. I need this question for the sake of tact because if not you will hear the non sugar coated version that usually results in me saying or doing something stupid. I guess this bugs me because one of these days I would love to voice my opinion without people having a cow.

I know this day is not coming anytime soon as very few people can get away with saying what everybody thinks and doesn’t say or what they think without offending some part of the population. I don’t think have the agency or position to say any of these things and get away with it. The problem is that I will ethically be inclined to believe that honesty is the best policy.

However, even with these beliefs I myself have been guilty of lying by omission to some of the people I am closest with and some that I am still trying to get to know. The only lame excuse I give is thaf what I could tell them they might not take very well at all. Also, I would like to resolve the issue myself so the point becomes moot and their is nothing to tell. I do plan on telling my psychologist but that is only because of doctor, patient confidentiality.

I am curious as to the readers and bloggers out there do you ever feel like you need to lie to people (be it by omission of info or a white lie) because you think they can’t handle the truth? Also after you have told this lie, do you have guilt for months because you lied… Any two cents on this ethical quandary are much appreciated..

Xoxo, the multifaceted nerd

Does real romance exist?

Let’s just start this off by saying I am not a typical girly girl like at all. I will watch sports on occasion and I tend to show my affection through comedic or gag gifts rather than threw anything too sentimental. Actually, of the two of us I have to say my bf is the more romantic one. I wish I could be something resembling romantic or mildly sentimental, I want to want I just dont know if I can. I think part of the issue is that I believe that by acting like some sappy character out of a movie that I will be letting down my walls and being more intimate with the person. Which we’ll the thought of the listed above situations even in a hypothetical terrifies me.

I am not very good with letting people in even as friends, that and honestly it feels like I have been burned too many times before. I don’t have expectations of people contacting me, or them replying to me when they say they will. I just don’t trust them to show up for when I will almost always show up for them we needed. To top of this off I can be standoffish for a bit before I tell you anything personal, on average it takes 6 months to win some over and that time if not more to get to know them.

For me being romantic and showing the vulnerability I can’t even show with what is left of my adult friends, does not give me much hope. Also I think another part of the issue is that feels forced or like it is not genuine. I am sure this is not always the case, but I think some part of romance theses days died with chivilarly.

Women don’t expect me to vie for their affections like Jimmy, jeffy and Joey in Daria. Furthermore, based on what I have read lately woman are usually thrilled to not be ghosted by a guy or have them start really inappropriate conversations even if you barely know them. Between this and our current hook up culture, no wonder women like me can be asking about romantic gestures and what is the point of them anyway? So for anybody who any thoughts or has experienced a romance that felt genuine I would love to hear about if for nothing else to give me hope that it exists in the first place..

Xoxo, the multifaceted nerd

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Keep your hand out of the cookie jar..

I am curious as a kid were you always one of those people who when you were told not to do something you automatically wanted to do it. It had the reverse effect than your parents were intending in the first place. I feel like as an adult you have the freedom of no one saying don’t do that except your our own morals and the country and state penal codes. This concept can have its drawbacks as whole.

I have noticed when I try stuff I normally wouldn’t like hot chicken sandwiches, buffalo wings, any sort of bitter beer, or anything with a mild spicy kick I will do it and be paying it for later. Yet even after these lessons I still might continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. I am wondering if making the same errors when it comes to people, be it in a friendship of relationship, you know they are no good for you but you still stick around.

I say this as the chick who the friends I had while as an undergrad and graduate school, I only learn about their lives through Facebook. Or it has been so long that having a conversation is awkward to start and keep going for a decent amount of time. I know similar things occur with people you know in high school, the issue their is part of you still imagines them as how they looked and acted in high school. Of these groups of people some dropped off the face of the earth due to family matters or just stopped responding period.

Also, I unfortunately have the tendency of being way too clingy with getting to know new people or trying to refriend old people from my past. I know this one of my fatal flaws, as I think I am worried I have to grab on so tight because I feel I will be rejected or abandoned in the end. This is not healthy I know, and yeah for therapy to try to work on it. This just leaves my leading question do you ever pursue people, even if you know it will end in disaster and heartbreak in the end?

Xoxo, the multifaceted nerd

Monogamy/polygamy

While I have been I guess you can say a traditional monogomist all my life I have known and read about people who are polygamous. I do this if for nothing else but to try to understand their perspective. Just based off the minimal research I have done so far, I am not sure if it’s for me. I am one of those people if I get too overwhelmed their is a good chance I will end up crying in a bathroom or closet. (i.e. dating one person is stressful enough, much less two plus depending on how a couple defines their polygamous relationship)

Actually in a podcast I have only barely started listening to called “turn me on” and the main hosts are a married polygamous couple. One interesting thing is the husband has stated is that being in a polygamist relationship is “hard work”. Which I could see because you have to always be communicating to your spouse, metamour/bf/gf along with yourself to stick with whatever boundaries have been set up over time. These boundaries that I am guessing evolve over time.

I am honestly impressed at how people can be in polygamous relationships and still maintain any kids, jobs, etc. The only comparison I think I can make is how some couples view couples with kids and ask themselves when do the parents have time to sleep much less socialize with each other or other adults. Honestly, the idea of thinking about being poly or having kids just wears me out. Kudos to those that can do it, its just with my relationship issues, having one person deal with that is fine, any more and I would start to feel bad.

The thing that bothers me is how society has put monogamy and polygamy as an us versus them sort of structure. I know this has changed a bit and that their are some polyamorous examples in tvs, movies, etc. I don’t think it has totally had been accepted by the main stream community. I think the problem in this case is the perspective. I view monogamy and polyamory has just different ways to have fulfilling and loving relationship(s) be it as a couple, triad, v, polycule, etc. The number of people should not matter as long as their is respect, communication and consent than I don’t see the problem.

I think people just don’t want to admit that all relationships have risks and no one wants to get hurt or be rejected. Also, I am sure you can feel as lonely in a relationship as you do a polycule. I guessing I am wondering if polyamory at some point will go the way of gay marriage and more of society will be open and ok with the idea. I just look at it is as people wanting to love more than one person, when honestly we as a society could do with some more love in this world.

Xoxo, the multifaceted nerd

Can I be somebody else today?

Ok, for the past I don’t know how many years I usually done what was expected me was a daughter, girl friend, friend, sister, full time employee. I am on of those annoying people in that once I have decided I am going to put 100%+ effort into whatever that is. Also, I am at the disadvantage of being the oldest kid in the family and having to try to set a good example for my younger brothers.

In trying to put all this effort into these roles I wear myself out in the process. I am sure I am not the only one who has felt this societal pressure to do everything you can and do it well all with a fake grin plastered on your face. A fake grin like the one in photos where all you are thinking is can we stop all this awkward smiling and go back to my version of a normal life…

I have noticed since mid to late twenties to now I have realized most days I don’t want be the best whatever and I just am trying to survive. I am always joking with people that someone should clone me do that person can do the hard and annoying stuff and I can go back to bed. I know that is not humanly possible but sometimes I just would rather not be me in terms of certain characteristics or attitude. If its possible I just want a break from myself, all the emotional baggage that comes with me.

I don’t want to be the reliable one, the early one, who will show up early and be one of the last people to leave my desk. Or the one who is always reminding people when we’re out of food, peoples birthdays and the dates of doctors appt, etc. This just makes me like they should stamp “executive assistant” on my head and call it a day.

Sometimes I want to be the fun one, or wild person who might due things and not think about the consequences. The thing is the thought of trying to be more adventurous one and not me wears me out just thinking about it. I never got to do some of these adventurous and occasionally stupid events like getting drunk and a high school or college party, or the typical sex after prom ritual (am not judging those who had this experience, everybody seems to be ready for sex at different ages and points in their life), or in college trying to cram in so many events in a couple days that I had no sleep in the process.

I don’t feel like I missed out entirely because the social anxiety of trying to do some of these things stresses me out just thinking about it. Their is a good chance even I went to any of the parties listed above, most of the evening would be spent getting to know one person, reading, or hiding in a bath room or closet. Even knowing my tendencies their are still days I want to throw up my hands say I am done with doing certain behaviors and call it a day. I know this sounds weird but aren’t their days you don’t want to be what’s expected of you or what you expect of yourself? Idk sorry from the rambly post but my question for the ether is are their days when you want a break from being yourself? If that makes any sense at all.

Xoxo, the multifaceted nerd

The image on social media versus reality

I have been wondering if some of the social media influencers are putting on an act. They have these images carefully curated so that their viewers will keep on watching them via tik tok or instagram. Now their are those exceptions with those people who keep it real and you can tell they are being authentic and having nothing to hide.

I think people can sense how authentic the person on social media or as a friend or acquaintance. People have “tells” where they can be saying one thing but nonverbally they mean the opposite. You can tell when they are lying to themselves and others. I can vouch for this as I have been known to lie to myself from time to time.

The problem is sometimes you can’t point out these “tells” to the people you either watch or talk to on a weekly basis. Or when you do all you will get is a angry or emotional response, no matter how warranted. The issue though is sometimes you can see that they might be saying everything’s good when it’s really not. This can be seen based on the tone, a sigh, or in some cases just sounding tired.

One example would be if someone asks what’s wrong and they reply “nothing” depending on the tone and nonverbal cues that nothing might actually be something. I have been guilty of doing this way more than I should. This does have me wondering how many encounters people have had when they can tell someone is lying or they are lying to themselves, they just don’t realize it yet. Additionally, how might people respond to these events in which they are lying to themselves or others. Anyone who has experience the situations listed above, I am curious to know your response to others “masking” their true feelings and emotions, or what do you do when your the one putting a show and trying to hide how you really from others?

Xoxo, the multifaceted nerd

Divisions of labor

There is someone I know who on top of going to work, doing all household chores, cooking, and running their own tik tok does it and is okay with it. This does not jibe with me whether you are male or female. I have read many a reddit story and newspaper article about this partner who does all the work, gets none of the thanks in return and ends up resenting their partner in the end.

Actually sadly I have been that partner Joe my bf does not resent me daily I will never know. I however at least try to help with the cooking and cleaning when I feel up to it. I also try to compensate with this making sure we have food in the apartment , basic toiletries and cleaning to make sure we can actually move around the apartment or see items in the fridge, freeze, etc. I tend to do more of the emotional labor and the researching.

However, I suspect their may have been some spats with the person I know since they almost divorced 3 to 4 times in going on 8 years of marriage. But some of this might have had to do with the wife figuring out their trans and poly. Which is alot to put on someone no matter how open minded you are or can be. This is really odd considering they are kind of a tradional couple they had the big fall wedding, she took his name, they bought a house and pets.

But I think these days the vision of what a family looks like and what their l tender roles are gender(s) have become more malleable. This is not the 1950’s with doris day taking care of the house, making dinner and waiting on her husband and foot. We are past the days we’re women should be told to “sit still and look pretty” in the words of Daya.

The issue now is finding ways to bend and stretch those traditional gender roles without taking your partner for granted especially when they do everything and then some with who knows how much thanks or appreciation in return. I think the goal from the late 1980s of an equal partnership in a marriage/relationship/polycule should be something resembling fair because finding a way for it to be equal sounds like a logistical nightmare..

Even with this goal of fairness of the relationship labors be they emotional of physical, sometimes I can’t help but wonder how many of these relationships actually exist or how much both people compromise for their family to make sure things go smoothly. Any thoughts or comments on this would be much appreciated..

Xoxo, the multifaceted nerd

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Hot chicken sandwiches, the fair weathered friends of food

So when it comes to friendships, I tend to be a masochist, and am usually the one making all the effort some of the time. With these people I usually throw my hands up in ire or try to forget about them. To me these people are like hot chicken sandwiches from chick fil-a taste good at first and clear your sinuses but are kicking your ass with their heat tell you go to bed.

The friends that are there for you and try to main contact these are the reliable foods that you can always depend on such as oatmeal, sandwiches, angry orchard cider, etc. You know they will be there if you ever need to contact them.

The reason for this food related ramble is because I tried to make contact with a hot chicken sandwich only to be an ignored after thought once again. I know as an adult friends of people you try to make friends with come and go, but this is just made harder with self isolation and covid since last March.

Honestly, making friends as an adult is hard enough for a socially awkward introvert as me, throw in covid where more people are depressed and lonely than ever and the odds of taking the risk to chat with someone on this trying time goes down.

Has anyone else been dealing with this sort of trying to make friends or maintain them during covid?

Xoxo, the multifaceted nerd

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the evolving friendships over the years…

I know I was planning to post about Evelina, but I think that might have to wait tell later this week. I think just after my grandma died I have begun to figure out more so who my friends are, and it is those who stick around and are there for me when I need them and vice versa. While, I know this too be true, I am just having a horrible time letting go, when I know that I should. When, I know I should not be getting angry at people that the last time I was close and knew them pretty well was as an undergrad.

I am beginning to feel like PJ from My boys when she hangs out with an old friend of her and realize how divergent their interests have become since all she wants to do is spa and club. While, PJ is into watching sports, and hanging with her guy friends at the local bar. I am beginning to feel like that some of the people I know all they want to do is play pool and drink at bars. I on the other hand do not have the stamina or brain power lately for any of these activities, also with my bad liver, I would not want to risk a couple drinks.

I just need to not get so angry about it I guess and deal with the fact that you are bound to drift apart from people over the years. Also, I would be willing to give more friendships a shot if I knew that other people would be putting effort into them also. That’s all for now, will post about Evelina later.