Ok, for the past I don’t know how many years I usually done what was expected me was a daughter, girl friend, friend, sister, full time employee. I am on of those annoying people in that once I have decided I am going to put 100%+ effort into whatever that is. Also, I am at the disadvantage of being the oldest kid in the family and having to try to set a good example for my younger brothers.
In trying to put all this effort into these roles I wear myself out in the process. I am sure I am not the only one who has felt this societal pressure to do everything you can and do it well all with a fake grin plastered on your face. A fake grin like the one in photos where all you are thinking is can we stop all this awkward smiling and go back to my version of a normal life…
I have noticed since mid to late twenties to now I have realized most days I don’t want be the best whatever and I just am trying to survive. I am always joking with people that someone should clone me do that person can do the hard and annoying stuff and I can go back to bed. I know that is not humanly possible but sometimes I just would rather not be me in terms of certain characteristics or attitude. If its possible I just want a break from myself, all the emotional baggage that comes with me.
I don’t want to be the reliable one, the early one, who will show up early and be one of the last people to leave my desk. Or the one who is always reminding people when we’re out of food, peoples birthdays and the dates of doctors appt, etc. This just makes me like they should stamp “executive assistant” on my head and call it a day.
Sometimes I want to be the fun one, or wild person who might due things and not think about the consequences. The thing is the thought of trying to be more adventurous one and not me wears me out just thinking about it. I never got to do some of these adventurous and occasionally stupid events like getting drunk and a high school or college party, or the typical sex after prom ritual (am not judging those who had this experience, everybody seems to be ready for sex at different ages and points in their life), or in college trying to cram in so many events in a couple days that I had no sleep in the process.
I don’t feel like I missed out entirely because the social anxiety of trying to do some of these things stresses me out just thinking about it. Their is a good chance even I went to any of the parties listed above, most of the evening would be spent getting to know one person, reading, or hiding in a bath room or closet. Even knowing my tendencies their are still days I want to throw up my hands say I am done with doing certain behaviors and call it a day. I know this sounds weird but aren’t their days you don’t want to be what’s expected of you or what you expect of yourself? Idk sorry from the rambly post but my question for the ether is are their days when you want a break from being yourself? If that makes any sense at all.
Xoxo, the multifaceted nerd